The Epic Quest to Feed the Trolls
by TheBitchCartoonist
Summary: CuteFuzzyWeasel was just a YouTuber who made a show called "Feeding the Trolls". It was a fun little job, until the Trolls he fed got pissed off and tried to kill him. Will Weasel teach them a lesson, or will he be the one to get fed this time around? (I changed the rating to mature because of the swearing and sexual stuffs and I'm also paranoid)
1. A Normal Morning

Bright rays of sunlight peeked through the window blinds, falling upon the eyes of the cutest and fuzziest of all weasels and waking him. His eyes slowly fluttered open while adjusting to the light filling his bedroom. He sat up and stretched his arms over his head and yawned, "This is gonna be a great day! I had a great night's sleep, and I woke up in a fantastic mood! Nothing could possibly go wrong today! I could take on the world!"

Weasel jumped out of bed and disrobed, stepping into the shower and turning on the refreshing, warm water. He started scrubbing his hair and singing "Chocolate Salty Balls", which is the song he heard on South Park the night before. After rinsing, he put on his Star Trek bathrobe and headed into the kitchen.

With a hot cup of coffee in hand, Weasel went into his living room and sat down on the couch. He always started the day by watching the News, so he pressed the power button on his remote control and sipped his beverage happily as it came on.

". . . And that, Deborah, is why you should never take a furry to a petting zoo," said John, the lead newscaster. The story that they were previously covering seemed to be over. Although, by the sound of it, Weasel probably didn't want to know about it anyways. "The next story we will discuss is even more interesting. All over the world, the homes of YouTube stars have been suddenly broken into by crazed assailants that the Internet normally refers to as 'Trolls'."

"That's right, John," said Deborah, "To those of you who aren't familiar with the online world, a Troll is a horrible beast who feeds on hatred and takes pride in pissing people off. However, these creatures are breaking into houses that are thousands of miles away from where they live. For example, PewDiePie, who lives in Sweden, has had his house broken into by Trolls from the United States. We don't know for sure how this is possible, but a few other YouTube stars, such as McGoiter and JonTron, have claimed that they somehow came in through their very own computer screens."

Weasel shook his head and scoffed, "What a load of bullshit. Although, I didn't really expect anything good to be on the news, to be honest. All I've heard this week are reports on viral cat videos and how videogames are the leading cause of death and homicides." He turned off the television and finished his coffee before standing up and going towards his office. When he opened the door to the room, he expected to see his computer ready for checking emails and YouTube comments. Instead, he found something quite out of the ordinary. . .

It was Peckcella Von Peter! "Hello, baby boys!" the creepy-ass clown exclaimed seductively, "It's Peckcella Von Peter! I'm here with a top ten list on why CuteFuzzyWeasel needs to die!"

"Oh, fuck! It's Molesto the Clown!" Weasel shouted as he covered his backside in fear, "What are you doing in my house?!"

"Number one," Peckcella began as it pulled out a large Master Sword, "he made two videos about me." It swung the sword at Weasel, but he ducked, and it knocked over a box full of papers instead.

"Watch where you swing that thing! God, I can't believe I'm about to get killed by Barney's possessed ballsack!"

"Number two, he called me mean names, and mean baby boys need to be punished." It stabbed at the Weasel, but it missed and stabbed the cabinet from over his shoulder. "Number three, he won't stand still."

"Look, it was just a few videos that I made for fun!" Weasel argued, "It's not a big deal! Do I really have to die for making some silly videos? Besides, you're creepy as hell! You deserved it!"

It jumped over Weasel and swung its sword down to split him in half, but he jumped back to dodge. The Master Sword got stuck in the floor and was now unable to be used. "Number four, he keeps making excuses. Number five, he got my cool sword stuck in the floor. Number six, my hands are going to get very dirty with his blood."

Weasel tried to run for the door, but Peckcella Von Peter used its demonic powers to close the door and lock it before he could reach it. He pulled onto the doorknob and tried to pull it open, but its powers were too strong. "Dammit!"

"Number seven," Peckcella Von Peter said as it grabbed Weasel's neck, "he tried to run away from me." It squeezed his neck tightly, choking Weasel.

Weasel gasped for air, grasping the demon clown's wrists and trying to pull them off of his neck. "T-That's it. You asked. . . for it, you Stephen King. . . reject!"

"Number eight, he threatened-"

The creepy shit clown was interrupted by Weasel's fist punching its butt-ugly face. Peckcella fell over backwards and released his neck. He was now able to breathe, and he was now angry and ready to kill. "Where the hell did you come from?!"

The clown's nose was bleeding. "Number nine, he really hurt me, and it's not polite to hit a lady."

"The fuck?" Weasel raised an eyebrow.

Peckcella Von Peter stood back up with its nose stained with blood. It ran at Weasel with full force and punched Weasel in the stomach. When he hunched over in pain, it slammed its elbow on his head and forced him into the floor.

Weasel grunted, launched himself up, and tackled the rapist clown. As it was falling backwards, Peckcella hit the back of its head on the computer desk. Then, Weasel proceeded to punch the shit out of its face until it looked even more horribly disfigured than it already did.

To finish it off, he kicked its crotch super hard and made it vomit out all of its internal organs. "N-Number ten. . . he killed. . . m-me. . ." Then he died.

"Good riddance!" Weasel smirked while standing in a heroic Superman pose. Then he glanced over at his computer screen and saw that he had a new email. He went over and sat down in his office chair, and he clicked on the message and read:

"Dear CuteFuzzyWeasel: We are coming after you. You don't know us, but we very much know you. We have stalked you mercilessly because we were super butthurt over the videos you made of us, and we are going to ruin you. The clown should have already transported to you through your monitor by now to rough you up a bit, but judging on the writing style of this fanfiction, it most likely didn't succeed. But rest assured, we will finish you, one way or another. Don't get too comfortable. With love, your enemies."

"That shit about the computer portals was true? And there are people trying to kill me? What the hell did I ever do?! I just make YouTube videos! I'm not some kind of terrorist!" Weasel scratched his head, confused why anyone would have that kind of grudge on him over something so small. "Alright. If they're looking for a fight, then they're gonna get one," he said menacingly as he played epic music.

Weasel replaced his robe for his normal attire: a brown coat over a dark blue button-up striped shirt. Also pants. He needs those. He also got some cool sunglasses to look more bad ass. He picked up a plasma gun and stood in front of the computer, but before he leaped into the portal, he stated:

"Time to feed the trolls. . ."


	2. The Prophecy

As Weasel fell through the Internet sky, screaming and waving his arms, he saw tons of ads, which were mostly for work-out programs and condoms, fly through the pixelated clouds and above the tiled grounds. Before he landed onto the ground, an ad for nipple cream flew underneath him, saving him from turning into concrete gravy. It sent him over to the entrance of Googleville like a magic carpet. Weasel jumped off, and the ad flew off into a flock of other advertisements.

"So, this is the Internet, huh?" CFW said as he stood in front of the gate, "I expected to see more porn." He walked over to the gate curiously and pressed a large, blue button.

A booming static sound emanated from the large overhead speakers, and following it was the voice of a man that sounded like a World of Warcraft gamer. "Uh, hi. I'm the, uh. . . admin of this area." Sounds that sounded like the munching of Doritos came out before he began talking again. "You wanna, like, come in, or something?"

"Uhh. . . yeah. That's kinda why I pressed the damn button." Weasel sighed, getting rather annoyed with this conversation.

The admin apparently farted right into the microphone and then said, "Okay. Hold on. Let me just. . ." After several more awkward seconds of him heavily breathing, the speakers beeped, and the gates clicked and slowly opened.

Weasel was finally able to enter Googleville and was amazed at the beauty. There were large buildings with neon lights and moving pictures, each representing every online website. Some were more like small warehouses, others were like family-owned businesses, but the large ones were more famous websites such as YouTube and Facebook.

"Wow, this place is so generic and unoriginal! It looks exactly like what everyone has ever imagined the Internet to look like from the inside!" Weasel walked down the sidewalk and took in the sights of the city. Suddenly, the window of a very large building was shattered when a nasty, warty green creature jumped through it, running away with a box.

"What the?" Weasel stopped in front of the pile of broken glass and watched the monster run through the street and into a dark alley. The alarms were blaring inside the building, which looked like it connected all of the world's computers together with all of the large, black wires inside of it. "What did it take out of that building?"

"It hacked into someone's computer and took their personal porn folders for blackmail," said a voice from overhead, "I believe the Troll hacked into Egoraptor's computer."

Weasel looked above him and saw a glittery pink ball of glowy light. "Who are you?"

"I'm Mozilla, the Internet Fairy. I've come to aid you in your quest to save the Internet from The Crash." Mozilla flew around him in circles, twinkling and dropping glittery sparkles.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Weasel furrowed his brow in confusion. "Save the Internet? Look, man, I just came here to stop some Trolls who were trying to kill me!"

"But you are the one who the Binary prophecies foretold! You must stop the Trolls from depleting the Internet of power!" she explained excitedly.

"A prophecy?"

"Yes! The Binary Clans that founded this marvelous land predicted that a brave, handsome hero would fall from the sky and deliver our land from the greasy clutches of the Trolls who would eventually take over and have control of the whole outside world!"

"This is getting retarded."

"You see, if they suck this land dry of energy, they will have the chance to hack into the entire Internet Kingdom. Then, your world would cease to function because of it's dependency on this land, and the Trolls will have access to the personal information of every single person on Earth!"

"Hey, I like long, ongoing exposition being suddenly dumped out onto a reader as much as the next guy," said Weasel as he started to continue walking up the street, "but you must be mistaken. I'm no hero, I can assure you that."

''Yes you are, Weasel! I have watched your adventures on YouTube. I've seen how you've fought off Coppercab!" cried Mozilla.

"That wasn't even Coppercab," responded CFW, "Wait, you've seen my videos?"

"Indeed. I have seen and heard everything on the Internet. You know, typical all-intelligent being crap."

"Then shouldn't YOU know how to destroy the Trolls?" he scoffed, "Listen, I just wanna finish my OWN quest and get back home."

"But-"

"Shoo, you little insect!" Weasel waved his hand at the fairy in an attempt to get rid of her. He continued down the street and saw many other people down the street. Some looked like normal people, while most looked more like blank blow-up dolls with no facial features. They moved like robots and, unlike the others, had no name over their head. "What are those guys?"

"Those are the people of this land who are not logged in. We call them Anons. The colorful ones are Users," Mozilla said, still following her hero, "Unfortunately, we have gotten more Anons ever since many people lost their accounts to the Trolls."

"Gee," Weasel said sadly, "that really fucking sucks." He would hate it if he ever lost his account. "What happens if you become an Anon?"

"You lose all color and humanity to your avatar, and you become an empty shell without thoughts or feelings," Mozilla murmured, "You're like a robot following its program without purpose."

As she talked, Weasel saw a small, green creature, which was most likely another troll, creep behind a User way down the street from where he was. It stabbed its back with a large butcher knife and cackled as it ran away. The victim suddenly began to shriek in pain, capturing the attention of all of the nearby Users. The color left it's body like evaporating water, and the name disappeared. The other users cried and ran screaming as it became a wandering Anon and followed its Anon brethren.

"Oh, no," the fairy sighed, "That's the twenty-eighth victim this week."

"The bastard went over there!" Weasel pointed over to an alleyway between Craigslist and Ebay and started running. "You won't get away with this, asshole!"

Mozilla flew to keep up. "Weasel, wait for me!"

Weasel ran as fast as he could. When he eventually entered the alley, he saw the Troll feasting on a flea-bitten rat that wore a leather jacket for some reason. "Hey, you!"

The Troll looked up at CuteFuzzyWeasel and spit out the rat, which flipped off the creature, pissed on its foot, and ran off into a hole in the wall. "Well, well, well. The prophecies have foretold that you'd come."

"What the hell is up with you weirdos and your damn prophecy?!"

"The Feeder of Trolls," it began as it started casually walking towards Weasel, changing form and becoming more human-shaped, "The one who would take down our leader and save the Internet, as well as the entire outside world, from total chaos and destruction."

"I wouldn't be so cocky, you beast!" Mozilla called out, "You can't possibly imagine what this man is capable of!"

"I assure you, my dear, that he isn't much. He's just a wannabe hero who needs to learn his place."

"I haven't even done anything to you!" Weasel fingered the trigger of his Blaster.

"Oh really?" The Troll was now fully transformed. It had taken the form of an overweight, bald, elderly man wearing glasses and a baggy T-shirt with Bible verses on the front.

"James the Preacher?!" Weasel was shocked, but he was also furious at having to see his face again.

Mozilla flew next to Weasel's ear and whispered, "You know this man?"

"Yeah, but he's no man." Weasel aimed his Blaster at him and began to slowly squeeze the trigger.

"You insulted my holy videos praising the word of God." James came closer, and his eyes glowed bright purple.

"James," argues the Weasel, "your videos contain you telling gay people to die and saying that women will go to Hell for having jobs! It's all bullshit!" He shot his blaster, but the laser bullet bounced off of his chest and nearly hit Mozilla.

James began demonically laughing. "You think your puny weapons can defeat me?" Fire began to appear in his palms, and he shot large fireballs at Weasel.

He jumped to avoid them. "Mozilla, how do I kill this bitch? I'm not gonna be able to play Mario for much longer!"

"I do not know," she answered, "His demonic state is supposedly immortal."

"Demonic?!" Weasel suddenly had an idea, and asked, "Hey, can you poof up a cross or something?"

"Um, sure." Mozilla circled around in circles and a jeweled silver cross poofed in the middle.

Weasel grabbed the cross and began to run down the long alleyway. James kept shooting fireballs at him, but he easily evaded them.

"Let's see how you dodge these, you filthy atheist!" Long, shadowy black arms shot out of his back and lunged for Weasel. They grabbed onto him and pulled him towards James. "Any last words before I squeeze you so hard that jelly comes out of your ass?"

"Yes, I have six words for you, James!" Weasel said as he squirmed his arm out of his grasp and held out the cross. "The power of Christ compels you!"

James's skin began to boil and sizzle, and the smell of bacon filled the air. He shielded himself with his arms and yelled out, unable to hold onto Weasel with his shadow arms due to the extreme level of pain. "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!"

"Because irony is a bitch." Weasel's shades glistened in the sun as he nodded like a motherfucker.

"You did it, Weasel!" the fairy cheered and rubbed against his cheek, "I told you that you're a hero!"

"Mozilla, I'm still not helping you. I only killed this guy because of what he did that that User."

"But Weasel-" She was interrupted by sputtering noises coming from the fried corpse of James the Preacher.

Weasel walked over to him and grabbed him by his shirt collar. "Since your mouth still works, why don't you use it to tell me who your boss is?"

"I-I'll never tell you," James replied weakly.

"If you don't tell me, I'll have you eat your own ballsack."

"Fine," he gasped, "Our Troll leader is. . . is Mario Teh Plumber!" Then he died.

Weasel's eyes bulged out of his skull. "Wait, Mario Teh Plumber is the Troll leader?! He's the one who will take over the world?!"

"He will unless someone does something about it!" Mozilla said angrily, "That's your responsibility, Weasel!"

He sighed and clenched his fists. He couldn't let that retard take over the Internet and have access to the whole Earth. "Alright, I'll do it."

"Hooray! The prophecy shall be fulfilled!" She flew out of the alleyway and spun around the street. "Everyone, the hero has arrived! The one who shall free this land from the Trolls is here at last!" she called out to all of the people as Weasel left the alley as well.

The Users all clapped and cheered, and the Anons all bowed in unison on the sidewalks. The Users crowded around Weasel and hoisted him on their shoulders and carried him down the street.

"Oh, good golly fuck balls!" Weasel groaned, "Is this really necessary?"

"Shush! They just want to show appreciation for your bravery!" Mozilla giggled.

When they reached the end of the street, the crowd set Weasel down in front of many famous YouTubers, such as Smosh and PeanutButterGamer. Projared walked up to Weasel and shook his hand. "Thank you, CuteFuzzyWeasel. We are all in your debt."

"Yeah, that's nice. Your hand smells like ass." After everyone was finished worshiping him, he and Mozilla walked into the sunset towards the West to go and kill the Trolls and their leader, Mario Teh Plumber.

"On the road again! I can't wait to get back on the road agai-"

"Shut the fuck up, Mozilla."


	3. Old Woman

". . . My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so horny-"

"YOUR SINGING IS LIKE SOMEONE STICKING THEIR NASTY-ASS DICK INSIDE MY EAR AND GETTING AN ERECTION!"

Ah, yes, the adventurous duo seemed to be getting along swimmingly. They had been traveling for almost a day at that point, but they hadn't seen anything but flat, empty fields. Neither of them had seen a single trace of life.

"I swear to God, Mozilla," Weasel panted angrily, bags under his eyes and his coat tied around his waist, "if I have to put up with your bullshit singing anymore, I'm gonna go insane!"

Mozilla huffed, "You don't like music?"

"Oh, I love music. Just not from your annoying-ass voice! I'd much rather listen to the shitty covers on 'Glee' than your squealing!"

"I'm sorry, would you like to try doing it better?"

"I would, but I have a sore throat from all the yelling."

"Sure," Mozilla sighed, "Anyways, where are we?"

"Shouldn't you know that? Aren't you the omniscient being of the Internet, or whatever the fuck?"

"I am! I am just not good with directions!"

"Wonderful." Weasel shook his head and wiped his forehead. "Y'know, it would've been helpful if those douchebags back in Googleville had given us a map of some kind."

Mozilla spun circles around Weasel. "Would you like me to fly higher to see if I can spot anywhere to ask for directions?"

"Yes, I would, actually. Also, why the fuck didn't you TRY IT EARLIER?!"

"C-calm down!" Mozilla quickly flew higher. "Jesus! Hopefully we can find somewhere for the cranky baby to take a nap on the way to our destination!" She was several feet off of the ground and could see most of the plains. She looked closely and saw a small shack about a mile away from Weasel that was surrounded with thick, tall grass.

"See anything, you little shit?"

"Indeed, Weasel! Approximately a mile and a half away from your current position!" she called back to her partner. She flew back down to him and faced the way to the shack. "Over there!"

"What is it?" Weasel asked as Mozilla led the way.

"A cute little shack. Hopefully, we'll be able to rest and regain our strength. We'll set off in the morning."

"In the morning?!" Weasel stopped walking and argued, "No, we keep moving!"

Mozilla replied, "But it will be dark soon. The sun is setting fast. Besides, look at you! You look awful, Weasel!"

"Well, you don't exactly look like Halle Barry, either, you fairy fucker," Weasel said as he crossed his arms.

"The Chosen One will need his rest if he is to save this land. You will never be able to defeat the Troll army if you cannot even lift a sword."

"I don't need sleep! We have to hurry and find Mario Teh Plumber! If he takes over the Internet, he'll have control over the entire world and fuck everything up!"

"We have plenty of time. Right now, we will stop for the night, and you will get some sleep."

"But-"

"I SAID 'WE WILL STOP FOR THE FUCKING NIGHT, AND YOU WILL GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP'."

After thirty minutes of walking, they finally made it to the large wall of grass surrounding the shack just as the sun had set. Weasel pulled apart the curtain of vegetation and trudged through it, even though the tips tickled his testicles.

When they finally made it through, they stood at the entrance of the shack. A single candle was lit inside, but they could see no one inside. Mozilla banged her body against the door to knock. "Hello? Anyone home? We mean you no harm and only wish to stay the night!"

They could hear the feeble voice of an elderly woman from inside. "Go away and leave this place!"

"Please, we have gone long without rest!" Mozilla pleaded.

"Or, you could give us some directions and send us on our way," CFW said, "We're trying to find the Troll Headquarters, so if you could just-"

"NO!" The old woman screamed. Mozilla and Weasel could see a vase being thrown across the room through the window. As they peered inside, they were startled when the woman, who had colored hair and too much make-up on, slammed her face on the glass. "DO NOT SPEAK OF THEIR KIND ON MY PROPERTY! BE GONE WITH YOU IMMEDIATELY!"

"But we mean to defeat them! The man you see before you is the Chosen One!" Mozilla explained as she flew around him.

The old woman looked confused and stared Weasel down from head to toe, making him feel uncomfortably uncomfortable. "Eh, stranger things have happened," she said as she came to a conclusion. She walked to the door and unlocked the seven bazillion locks and opened it. "You may stay, but you leave as soon as the sun rises! Anyone against the Trolls is a welcome friend of mine."

As they walked in, a virtual explosion of confetti burst over Weasel's head. "The fuck is this shit?!"

"You've made an ally, Weasel!" exclaimed Mozilla, "This happens every time you make a friend!"

"Oh." He turned to the woman. "You meant that literally?"

"Sure, why not?" the woman shrugged, "I never get any visitors."

"Gee, I wonder why?" Weasel asked sarcastically.

"Anyways, thank you so much for your kind hospitality, Mrs. . ." Mozilla read the username above the woman's head. ". . . Jenna Marbles?"

"Jenna Marbles?!" Weasel gasped, "Hey, you're the 7th most subscribed YouTube star!"

Mozilla examined her. "You don't look like Jenna Marbles."

"I used to be beautiful," sighed Jenna, "but when the Trolls gained all their power, they were able to take my beauty away. That is why I hide away where no one can see."

"Seems legit."

"That's why we're here, Jenna," Mozilla said, "Don't worry, girl. We'll take care of those guys and get you're smokin' hot looks back!"

"Thank you," Jenna said as she smiled and clasped her hands together, "Thank you very, very much."

A tiny, hairless dog came running into the room and began to lick CFW's feet. "The fuck?!"

"This is my dog, Kermit. He's a little shit." Jenna picked up her pet and headed into the living room. "Come with me." They followed her, and as Weasel walked to the next room, he looked around to appreciate the cracked vases on every moldy wooden table. He sat down on the large couch next to the giant Spiderman poster. "How do you plan on defeating the Trolls, Weasel?"

"By kicking their asses."

"Good answer, but **HOW** do you plan on kicking their asses?"

"Um. . ." Weasel pondered.

"The Troll leader has gained a large amount of power over the past year. You'll never be able to defeat Mario Teh Plumber with your strength alone."

"Then what shall we do, Jenna?" Mozilla asked desperately.

Jenna shook her head. "Who the fuck says 'shall' anymore? Anyways, there is a way to defeat him, but it's extremely tedious."

Weasel smiled courageously and said, "I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that MTP doesn't take over the world."

"You have to kill the entire Troll Army."

"I'm not doing that shit." Weasel sat up and began to walk towards the door.

"W-wait!" Jenna Marbles followed and grabbed onto his shoulder. "Listen to me! I understand that there are millions of Trolls, but if you kill the main leaders of the Troll Army, they'll all die off."

"So, they're all connected in a network?" Mozilla asked as she pushed against Weasel to keep him inside.

"Yes, if you kill them, then Mario Teh Plumber's power will decrease. You should be able to defeat him then." Jenna turned Weasel around and stared into his eyes. "It will be okay."

"Who do I have to fight? Who are the leaders?"

"You've already defeated two of them, Peckcella Von Peter and James the Preacher. In fact, they're all Trolls that you've fed on your YouTube channel."

"Are you kidding?!" Weasel shook off her hands. "Those assholes? I've already dealt with them once! Now you're saying that I have to deal with them AGAIN?!"

"You cannot run away from destiny, Weasel!" Jenna stated sternly, "You're the Chosen One!"

"Do you have any idea how many bottles of aspirin I went through while feeding those bitches?!"

"I understand that you may be upset, but you must do it! For the world!"

Weasel began to curse very loudly. What a fucking dick. "Fuck the world! The world can suck my weasel cock!"

"Ew."

"Weasel, calm down!" Mozilla slammed herself into Weasel's chest a few times. "I'm sorry, he gets very inappropriate and crazy when he's sleepy."

"I understand." Jenna sighed and started walking up the staircase. "Follow me, I'll take you to your room. We'll discuss this in the morning during breakfast."

"I'm not fucking going up there!" he protested, "I don't fucking need sleep shit! Bitch-ass!"

Mozilla followed Jenna up the stairs. "Come on, Weasel."

"Okay." He walked up the steps with them and followed Jenna to the last door at the end of the hallway. It had a sign that said "Guest Room". She opened the door and let them in.

"Here you go, guys." They walked into the room, which was relatively small with one bed, a nightstand, a closet, a chair, and a Game Boy with a copy of Tetris. "Get some sleep. Help yourself to anything in this room, knock on the wall three times if you need me, blah blah blah." she rambled on before closing the door.

Mozilla went over to the closet and took out a pair of blue-striped pajamas. "Alright, change into these."

"I'm not taking off my clothes and putting on some ratty-ass, dusty-ass, smelly-ass rags," he argued.

"Fine." Mozilla shook her fairy body and picked him up with her magical glitter powers. "I'll do it myself."

"Wha-" Her magic pulled his shirt over his head. Soon, he was changed, and Mozilla set him back down on the ground. "Fuck you!"

The fairy neatly folded his clothes and put them in the chair. "Now brush your teeth before bed so I can tuck you in."

"What are you, my goddamned mother?"

"If I have to do it myself, I'm gonna shove the toothbrush down your throat and out your ass."

"Y-yes ma'am!" He ran out the door and into the bathroom across the hall. He ran back into the room with fresh, shiny teeth.

"Good boy!" cooed Mozilla as she lifted him up again and put him in bed, pulling the blankets over him. She flew over to the door and flicked the light switch and said, "Good night!" When the lights went out, Weasel could see her light fly over towards him and lay beside him on the bed.

"Why are you sleeping with me?"

"There's only one bed."

"Yeah, but. . . can't you sleep while flying, or. . . sleep in the floor?"

"Are you seriously suggesting that, instead of sharing a bed with you where we can both fit, for I am only three inches tall, I should sleep in the nasty-ass, moldy-ass, cold-ass, creaky-ass, old-ass, fucking-shit-dick-vagina-piss-bitch-ass floor?"

"Okay, okay," Weasel sighed tiredly, "Never fucking mind." He shifted his body to get comfortable and lowered his eyelids and had some well-deserved rest.

Weasel woke up the following morning screaming his head off, startling Mozilla and waking her up as well. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"I just had a horrible nightmare!" Weasel cried, rocking back and forth and hugging a pillow.

The fairy groaned loudly, "What the fuck could be so damn scary to have you screaming bloody murder like this?"

"I had a dream that a weird 14-year-old bitch with a mental illness wrote a fanfiction about me, and it had misrepresentations about my lifestyle, a shitty storyline, badly-written action scenes, and unintentional masturbation jokes that she was too stupid to pick up on!"

"Oh, dear Lord! I am so sorry, Weasel," Mozilla apologized, "People always have nightmares when they smell my farts."

Jenna Marbles stomped up the stairs and swung the door open. "What in the holy hell are you two doing up here?!"

"Nothing, Weasel just had a nightmare," Mozilla said as she tried to comfort the Chosen One.

"Well, at least you two are up. I'm cooking breakfast right now. After you eat and regain your strength, you need to prepare for your journey and leave as soon as possible. I will give you the materials necessary and give you more helpful advice, but that is all I can do." Jenna closed the door, and the duo could hear the stairs creak under her feet as she walked.

Mozilla sighed and flew around CFW. "Come on, dude. Let's go downstairs," she said as she headed after Jenna. Weasel slowly followed with trembling limbs, and he made it to the breakfast table in a few short minutes.

Mozilla pulled a chair out for him, and he sat down in front of a warm plate of what looked like two hairy pancakes stuck together. "What the hell are these?"

"My own creation," Jenna said proudly, "I call them 'asscakes'."

"Asscakes, huh?" Weasel shook his head. "Gee, I wonder what these are made out of."

The old woman smiled. "I created them from a juice I extracted from my ovaries."

"Lovely." Weasel took a bite anyways and found that the asscakes were very sweet, yet dry. He raised his glass and took a drink of orange juice, and when he put the glass down, a blonde, large-breasted woman in the doorway.

"H-hello?" she said, her voice shy and quiet, "I hope I'm not intruding, but I need some directions. I-I'm trying to find the Chosen One."

Mozilla flew up to her and said, "Why do you need to see him?"

Jenna Marbles whispered to the fairy, "She looks oddly familiar. I wouldn't trust her."

"But she looks so adorable and sweet!" squealed Mozilla, "Come over and sit down, dear!" She guided her to a chair next to Weasel and gave her some asscakes.

"Ooh, asscakes! My favorite!" the girl exclaimed excitedly as she took a bite.

Weasel stared at the girl. "So. . . why do you need the Chosen One?"

The bitch swallowed the bite of asscake and sexily smiled at him. "Just wanna ask him a question."

"Is that all?" Mozilla asked.

"Then ask away, lady," Weasel said cockily, "because I'm the Chosen One."

The lady spat out her asscakes. Her face became red, and her voice sounded angry. "You're the Chosen One?!"

"Yep."

She started screaming, and her voice got much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much deeper. Her body became fatter, ripping her clothes and leaving her nearly half-nude. She then had face piercings and short, pink hair. "MONICA SMASH!"

"What the hell is that thing?!" Mozilla shouted.

"I know this beast!" Jenna also shouted, "This is the Troll who stole my beauty!"

Weasel sighed, "Well, there goes my libido for the week."

"NO WORK! DON'T CARE!" Monica Punk swung her gigantic, hairy arm and destroyed the wall beside her, sending bricks flying everywhere.

"Dammit!" Jenna grabbed Weasel's wrist and ran out of the door with Mozilla. "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here!" They all stood in front of the shack as the beast completely destroyed it and everything inside.

Monica picked up the chimney and threw it towards Weasel and Mozilla, but they didn't see it because they were too busy picking their noses. Jenna ran towards them and shoved them out of the way in time, but, unfortunately, the chimney fell on her and crushed her.

"Jenna!" Mozilla cried, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Weasel wiped the booger on Mozilla's wing and became angry. "You'll pay for killing my friend, you nasty-ass lazy bitch monster!" He ran towards the mound of lard and pulled out his gun. He shot her, but the bullet bounced off of her fat rolls. "FUCK!"

"ME BIG! ME STRONG! ME HAVE AN IMMENSELY LARGER CHANCE OF DEFEATING YOU BASED ON OUR COMPARED SIZES AND STRENGTH, THEREFORE YOU HAVE A LIKELY CHANCE OF DYING IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES!"

"Mozilla, could you help me out a little, please?!" he called out to his companion. She was still crying over the loss of Jenna and wouldn't move, so Weasel just shrugged and climbed the debris to get to the giant monster. He began throwing bricks and shit at her, but they kept bouncing off as well. Nothing seemed to work, and things looked bleak for our heroes.

"HA HA HA! ME INVINCIBLE! ME CAN'T DIE! YOU CAN'T KILL ME! YOU PUNY, AND SHIT!" Monica taunted as Weasel kept trying to defeat her with bricks.

Weasel growled, "Stop teasing me!" He started climbing her large, greasy fat rolls until he reached the top. Out of anger, he ripped out all of Monica's piercings and threw them to the side.

The holes where the piercings used to be spat out hot fat, and Monica Punk began deflating. She began flying around as fatty substances oozed out of her holes. Her body became thinner, and fat was spread around the entire property until it was completely covered in it.

Weasel fell towards the ground and landed on his back. As he tried to get up, Monica fell beside Weasel, and she looked like a leathery scrotum. Weasel stood up and commanded, "Mozilla, give me a sword." A sword that looks like Cloud's from Final Fantasy poofed into his hand, and he raised it into the air and chopped off Monica's head.

"ME HAVE PENIS!" Then she died.

Weasel panted and dropped the sword beside him on the ground. He trudged towards Mozilla and the chimney that crushed their friend. He knelt on his knee to hear her last words. "I'm sorry, Jenna. I couldn't save your house."

"We also couldn't save your life," Mozilla sniffled. "Or get your beauty back. Or attempt to get this chimney off of you."

"Do not worry, friends," she whispered dramatically because every good story needs a good tear-jerking moment. She coughed, "Upon death, I have found a new beauty." Jenna then gasped and let her head roll to the side. Then she died.

Salty, delicious tears fell down Mozilla's fucking fairy face. "She's. . . she's gone, Weasel."

Weasel stood up and said, "Oh well! Let's dig around the debris and find our shit." Then he and Mozilla looked through the ruins of the shack. They looked for hours, and they found a lot of super awesome shit.

"This chapter was fucked up. It took too long to get to the boss fight," Mozilla said as she lifted a brick.

"I honestly stopped giving a shit at this point," CFW sighed, "Anyways, I think we have all the shit we need for our journey. I even found a dingy-ass map."

Mozilla exclaimed, "Great! Now we can finally find the HQ of the Trolls!"

"No shit, Sherlock." Weasel stuffed all of their shit into a backpack and walked through the wall of grass and headed over the hills to track down the Troll HQ once again.

"I really hope those asscakes didn't get me pregnant."


	4. My Immortal

After Jenna Marbles' house was destroyed, Weasel and his fairy sidekick followed their map and entered the Forest of Streaming. It was a place thick with trees as high as the sky and green as mucus.

They walked through the forest for several hours, and Weasel was quite irritated and covered in bird shit. "Is there a waterfall or pond I could swim in and wash off this bird shit?" Weasel asked Mozilla, who was dodging dozens of horny male insects.

She used her magic powers to blow up a mosquito who was furiously dry humping her. "I don't think so. These trees are thirsty fucks and hog all of the water." Mozilla flew over to her BBLTFE(Best Buddy Like Totally For Ever) and poofed away the bird feces.

"Thanks," Weasel responded, "Anyways, when do you think we'll reach the Troll HQ again?"

"Well, the Troll HQ is located in PornHub Valley, which is around 1,000 miles away from our current position. If nothing gets in our way, we should be there in a few weeks!"

"Oh my fucking God," Weasel sighed, "I can't believe I have to stay with your fucking bitch ass for another week."

"Whatever, you totally like hanging out with me all the time, bitch. Go make me a sandwich."

Suddenly, a tall figure flew over them, catching their attention. It was hopping from tree to tree like a ninja, or something, and he was going super duper fast.

"Who the hell is that?! It must be another Troll trying to fuck with us!" Weasel began to run after the ninja-like person with Mozilla following behind him. As he ran, he had to swat away several branches and animals that were in his way. Weasel slowly caught up with him, and they were nearing the edge of the forest.

Weasel ran out of the forest and was partially blinded by the sunlight that was suddenly dumped onto him. He didn't see the figure anymore, so he figured he must have lost him. "Dammit! Where did he go?"

"I don't know," Mozilla admitted as she joined him at his side, "I've lost sight of him as well."

"Well, we should keep our eyes peeled in case he comes back. He may be trouble." Weasel sat down to catch his breath and rest after running a great distance.

Mozilla laid on his shoulder to rest her wings. She began to doze off when she heard rustling noises in the trees. She looked up and saw a man in purple armor sitting in a nearby tree and ready to attack!

"Weasel, watch out!" Mozilla shot out a magic laser at the man, but he dodged it. The tree exploded instead, and a bunch of baby orphan squirrels died in the fire.

"What the fuck?!" Weasel stood up as the armored man somersaulted in front of him and pulled out a laser sword. He pointed the laser sword at Weasel, and the sharp edge was just inches away from his throat.

"Alright, now I have you right where I want you, you dastardly bastards!" But the man stopped, and after getting a good look at them, he dropped his sword and walked towards them with his arms spread out. "Weasel! Is that really you?!"

"Nassuman?!" Weasel yelled as he rubbed his throat and relaxed his shoulders, "Why in the holy flying fuck monkey goddess did you try and kill us just now?!"

"I'm truly sorry, my darling Weasel! I thought you and your little fairy were the two perps causing trouble around the kingdom lately. I've heard rumors about a man and a fairy doing some pretty evil shit."

"No, that definitely wasn't us doing those things," said Mozilla, "Although, I wonder if that fairy-"

"So anyways, what _are _you doing here, Weasel?" Nassuman asked as he slid his Nassusword back into its holster.

"Well, a creepy rapist clown came out of my computer monitor and tried to kill me. After I murdered it and left its fat corpse to rot in my office, I got an email from some Trolls I fed. I went through a portal and came here, and this piece of shit told me I was the Chosen One and that I have to defeat the Troll Army, which mainly consists of the Trolls that I've fed."

"I got sucked in as I was watching beastiality porn!" Nassuman squealed happily, "We should team up and do it together!"

"Well. . . alright, that sounds good! We could use your help, and you're way better company than Mozilla." Weasel held out his hand for him to shake, but Nassuman wrapped his arms around him instead and hugged him tightly. He pushed him off and started brushing off his clothes, and then he nearly shit himself after virtual fireworks went off over his head again, signaling that he had made a new Internet friend

"Come on, you guys," urged Mozilla. She tried to push them onwards from behind. "We need to hurry if we wanna get to the Troll HQ anytime soon."

Nassuman turned to face Weasel and Mozilla and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Er, I'm afraid that won't be as easy as you think, ma'am."

Mozilla flew right up in his grill, yo. "What the fuck are you talking about, you cocksucking pig licker?" she sang passive-aggressively.

"When the Trolls gained all of their power, many Internet fads got tons of attention. The Trolls began to feed them hate, and the fads grew into grand, lively structures. Now they block the path to PornHub Valley, and the only way we can get to the HQ is to kill every Troll that occupies each location."

Weasel stared the fuck out of Nassuman. "What the fuck kind of crack did you snort this morning?"

"I'm serious. Look, there's a huge-ass castle right over there on that mountain!" Nassuman pointed to a castle that was atop a nearby mountain. Dark, spooky clouds surrounded the peak and made it look super scary.

Weasel began to bitch and moan, "How are we supposed to get up to that castle? We don't have any climbing equipment!"

"Don't worry, man." Nassuman bent over and pointed behind him. "Climb on top of me, and I'll carry you up."

"Umm. . ." Although he was a bit skeptical, Weasel climbed on his back anyways. Once he was seated, he shifted his butt around to get comfortable and held onto Nasuman's neck to keep from falling off. "How are you going to carry me up a fucking mountain?"

"Have you already forgotten that I'm wearing super-strength Nassuarmor? My suit gives me all sorts of inhuman abilities." Nassuman began climbing the mountain, gripping the rock with his mighty hands. As he did so, Mozilla decided to fly to the top without them.

"Where are you going?!" Weasel asked his fucking fairy.

"I'm going up ahead to see if it's safe," she called out to him as she neared the top, "Besides, I'm not waiting for you slow-ass fuckers when I can fly super Sonic fast up this hunk of shit." Mozilla disappeared behind the clouds and was out of sight.

"Well, Weasel," Nassuman said as he continued to climb, "it seems that we're alone-"

"SHUT UP, BITCH!" Weasel pulled out a wip. "CLIMB FASTER, YOU ASS SUCKER!" He whipped him several times on every part of his body like a donkey and forced him to go SUPPER SANIC FYAST!

Once they finally made it to the top, they could see the castle up close. They began to walk down the stone path, and as they got closer, they could see kids in uniforms walking around. They went up to a teenage girl with unlimited boobs that gracefully swayed back and forth in the breeze. Weasel asked, "Excuse me, miss, but what is this place?"

"This is Hogwarts, the school for witches and wizards where we learn about tricks, potions, and spells," she answered, "Are you the exterminators?"

"Exterminators?" asked Nassuman as he brushed a cockroach off of his shoulder, "You mean for these bugs crawling around everywhere?"

The girl nodded. "Yes, sir. We've had a huge bug problem ever since last week when that really ugly new kid moved here. That's why Dumbledore called you and your friend to get rid of them. Anyways, I'm going to be late for class if I don't leave now. I hope you can get rid of the bugs for us!" She ran up the steps as her boobs wiggle-jiggled and entered the building, leaving Weasel and Nassuman at the front.

Nassuman pulled out his Nassugun. "This is perfect. We'll have authorization to the entire building as long as we pose as bug exterminators, and we'll be able to find the Troll in no time."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great and all, but I'm gonna enjoy fucking with magic!" Weasel excitedly ran into the school and skipped down the hallways. He swung open the doors that lead to Dumbledore's office and stood in front of him. "I'm here to take care of your bug problem, you wrinkled sasquatch scrotum!"

"Ah, yes, the exterminators!" the old man wizard greeted with a warm, old man smile. He was so goddamned old his fucking beard had wrinkles. Holy shit he is wrinkly. His wrinkles were overlapping each other and literally lying all around the room. Wrinkles. Wrinkly wrinkles. "I'm so very glad you made it. Hogwarts is the best magic school in the world, and I would like to keep it that way." he chuckled as he watched his pheonix take a shit on Weasel's head.

CFW wiped off the bird shit with a nearby tissue. "Me and my partner will need access to the entire school in order to do our job."

"Of course, Mr. . . What is your name?"

"Everyone calls me Weasel. It's a nickname."

"Oh, well that's fucking retarded. Anyways, I shall let the staff and students know that you two will be taking care of the infestation problem. You may get to work, and feel free to go anywhere you'd like. But be careful, for this school is filled with dark-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, dark secrets, blah blah blah," Weasel droned as he opened the door, "We'll have this school taken care of as soon as we can, sir." He closed the door behind him as he left and saw Nassuman near the restrooms. His purple armor was replaced by a baseball cap, capri pants, brown work boots, and a shirt. "What the fuck are you wearing?"

The text on Nassuman's hat and shirt said "Back-Yard Exterminators". He leaned on the water fountain and smiled. "Cool, huh? I made you a uniform, too, y'know."

"Yeah, I'm not wearing that shit. Thanks anyways, though. Anywho, we have access to the entire school, so. . ."

"Yeah, I know," said Nassuman as he scratched his ass, "I was eavesdropping the whole time you two talked."

"Oh. Well," Weasel said as his eyes shifted awkwardly, "that's not. . . creepy. At all"

"Hey, wanna go in the girls' bathroom?" he giggled with his eyes gleaming, "I wonder what kind of urinals they have in there."

"Yeah, I'm just gonna pretend that I don't know you and this conversation never happened." Weasel shook his head and left to investigate the place. He peeked into a class window and saw students performing spells. The boobalicious girl from earlier was apparently practicing a spell that allowed you to shave scrotums with the flick of a wrist, and she was performing it on a pale teacher with a huge-as-fuck bird nose and long, shoulder-length black hair.

He kept walking down the hall until he reached the library. Tons of books were flying around and shitting on everything, covering the shelves, tables, and chairs in thick, white shit paste. Weasel took out a cute pink parasol that Nassuman got him for his birthday and opened it up to avoid getting shit on for the third time in the same motherfucking day. He made his way to the back of the library and went to a dusty old shelf full of torn-up books that smelled like wet ass.

As soon as he touched one, a pussy came out of no where. "Aww, a kitty!" Weasel bent over to stroke the pussy, but it hissed at him and began to transform.

The super adorably adorable kitty-cat turned into an old ballsack woman! "Now just what do you think you're doing?" she said all British because she is British.

"Oh!" Weasel stood back up and wiped the pussy off of his glorious, well-moisturized man hands. "Am I not supposed to be back here or something?"

"Of course not! It's a dusty bookshelf filled with books covered in human skin in the very dark back corner of a magical wizarding school full of ghosts, emos, and prebubescant fuckwits with magical shit-covered dildoes to wave around in the air!" the lady said as she peed blood.

Weasel slowly stepped back towards the exit. "Fine, you don't have to be a massive doo-doo head about it! I was just taking a look around!" Just as he was leaving, however, an obese owl flew in with a scroll. He gave it to the mean lady and shit out a projectile turd at Weasel's face.

She opened it and read it, and her expression changed from shit-red mad to a more kindly old womanly woman face. "Oh, my! Why, I had no idea you were here to get rid of the infestation!" She walked up to Weasel and shook his hand. "My name is Professor McGonagall. I'm sorry I came off as so cross. I suffer from having a stick permanently shoved up my ass."

McGonagall wiped off the bird shit from Weasel's head with her long witch fingers. They looked like trees that just got blowjobs. "Allow me to help you with your job. I think I know where the cockroaches are coming from. A man named Hagrid lives in a dirty old shack near the Forbidden Forest. He has all sorts of weird pets he brings back every now and then, but the man's gone on vacation. I'm guessing that he left his new pet cockroach, Richard, alone and unattended, and it laid eggs or something."

"So, you want me to kill Richard and his babies or something?" Weasel asked as he held up his Blaster.

"If Richard is killed, Hagrid would be most upset. Just finish off his offspring and cut off Richard's testicles." She smiled and sent Weasel off on his quest. She was so nice that she even gave him a copy of a book that explained how to get bigger breasts in just 4 weeks.

Weasel went down the hallway and saw Nassuman halfway deep into a hole. "Nassuman, what the fudge cakes are you doing?"

"I think I found out where the cockroaches are coming from. I saw a cockroach crawl in there, and when I poked my head in to look, it crawled in my mouth!" he said, but his voice was a bit muffled. "LOL There's a roachy cock in my mouth."

"No, dingus. Professor McGonagall just told me they're coming from Hagrid's shack. Get the hell out of that hole and let's go." Weasel got behind Nassuman and grabbed his waist, and he began to pull with all his might. After a few seconds of grunting, Nassuman was finally out of the hole.

He spit out the cockroach that was in his mouth. "Thanks, man."

"No problem. I don't wanna find you in any more holes, though. Now let's go get this shit over with."

They walked out of the school and headed for Hagrid's shack. When they reached it, they heard loud music playing from inside, and the property was littered with toilet paper, broken wood, and used condoms. Nassuman hid behind Weasel for protection as he knocked on the door. After a few seconds, the door was answered by a gothic teenage girl. She was wearing black skinny jeans with chains coming from the pockets, a black leather belt with a skull buckle, tall black boots that go up to her knees, a skull lip piercing, skull earrings, a skull belly button ring, a tight-fitting tank top that showed her stomach, foundation, and black lipstick and eyeliner. Her hair was long, straight, and black with red highlights, and she had long white fangs. "What the fuck do you stupid fucking preps want?" she asked in a rather rude, annoyed tone.

Nassuman gasped and clutched onto Weasel's shoulders. "Weasel, we're not in the Harry Potter world! We're inside the My Immortal fanfiction!"

"It's okay, Nassuman. They're just a bunch of emo teenagers in the middle of going through puberty. I've gone up against much worse." Weasel looked at the girl as if his balls had just fell through the floor due to being so tightly-packed with testosterone. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in class?"

The girl sneered and poked at his manly, hairy chest. "What makes you think that you can just come down here and tell me what to do? You don't have any authority over me! I don't even know you!"

"Me and my partner are here to take care of the bug infestation," Weasel said, pointing behind him, "We need you and your dumbass friends to clear out so we can do our job."

"D-Don't bring me into this!" Nassuman whimpered and hid behind his meat-shield even further.

"Don't you _**DARE **_lay a single finger on those precious creatures!" She had a look of disgust and anger on her pale, depressed, gothic face. "They're the only ones who understand people like us!"

"What the- What? The fuck?"

The girl grabbed him by his shirt collar and brought him closer to her face until their noses touched. "I don't wanna see your motherfucking preppy asses on my property ever again, or I swear to fucking Satan I will _**goddamn rape you!**_"

Another goth girl shouted out to her from inside the shack. "Ebony! Who the hell is at the door?" she asked, sounding horny and drunk.

"Just some bitches here to kill the children."

"Well, hurry up and come here! Draco wants to start off his birthday party by watching us make out!"

"Coming, Mary!" Ebony returned her attention to Weasel's terrified gaze. "Get out of here," she growled behind her gritted teeth. She dropped him and slammed the door shut.

Weasel stood back up and brushed the dirt off of his glorious, well-toned ass. "Well, I guess we can't get in there right now."

"We can't just give up, Weasel! If we don't get inside, we'll never take care of the roach problem, and then we'll never get to kill the Troll, AND THEN WE'LL-"

"Nassuman, would you _shut up_ already? Your little episode is giving me a headache!" Weasel grasped his head and ran his fingers through his hair. After complaining to his buddy-boo, he slowly realized that he was getting rather dizzy and having trouble standing. He stumbled towards a large rock and leaned against it, allowing his legs to give in and his body to sink to the ground. "Wh-whoa, I. . ."

Nassuman ran over and took one of Weasel's hands from his head and grasped it between each of his. "Hey, are you alright? Stay with me!" The wannabe super hero noticed his friend's eyelids flutter, trying to remain open, but eventually failing to do so. "Weasel!"

"_Weasel!_" said a familiar feminine voice. It was all echo-y and distant. "_Can you hear me?"_

"M-Mozilla?" Weasel mumbled, "Is that you?"

"_I don't have much time. I'm speaking to you telepathically using the little magic I have left. I've been captured by Ebony and her gang! They want me to join them in unholy sexual acts! Their magic overpowers my own! A-and the Troll is here! Please help, I. . . I-I think they're-" _She finishes speaking, and maniacal douchebag-ish laughter can be heard in the background.

Weasel's vision slowly comes back, and he could see Nassuman run back over to him. He was carrying a large bucket of water, and he proceeded to pour it all over his previously-unconscious BFF. Weasel quickly leapt back up to his feet and yelled, "Dude, what the **fuck**?!"

"It worked!" Nassuman squealed like a teenage schoolgirl. "Haha, I saved you!" He did a dumbass dance and gave Weasel a little baby smoochie on his scratchy cheek :3

Weasel rewarded him with a super black eye. It was like a normal black eye, except it was extra black and painful. "Stop fooling around, you big sack of dickpaste! Those gothic bastards captured Mozilla, and the Troll is in there!"

"Wow, I'm gonna be honest here and say that I **completely **forgot about her," Nassuman admitted shamelessly.

"We need to come up with a plan to get in there without Ebony taking away our purity. We can't just barge inside, they have magic. We're nothing but simple Muggles. Even our awesome fighting skills can't possibly go up against that."

Nassuman went over and began to look in through the window as Ebony and B'loody Mary furiously French-kissed and twisted each others' protruding nipples on the couch as Draco and Vampire watched, jerking eachother off and making crude hand gestures. "We could just join them."

CuteFuzzyWeasel slowly turned around to look at him. ". . ._What_?"

"We can dress up like a bunch of emo vampire bitches and gain their trust. Once we finally get inside, we kill everyone and get rid of the roach problem. After all that, we defeat the Troll and get the fuck out of this hellish, yet surprisingly arousing, nightmare."

"Nassuman," Weasel said sternly as he looked deep into Nassuman's eyes, walking closer to him very slowly and keeping his focus on his pupils, "that is the dumbest motherfucking plan you've ever come up with. It's perfect."

"**I'm **perfect, and don't you dare forget it, honey."

Weasel could smell the pheromones. "Come on, Nassuman. Let's go back to the school. I know just who to go to for help."

She was standing near the school's entrance. Her last class had just ended, and she was free for the remainder of the day. Her face lit up when she noticed Weasel and Nassuman running up the front steps, and her boobs perked up a little. "Hey, guys! Take care of the bugs yet?"

"Yo, well-developed female wizarding student from earlier!" Nassuman called out. They ran up to her, gasping and out of breathe.

"Um. . . my name is Wendy."

Weasel was hunched over and grasping his neck. "Emos. . . Troll. . . Hagrid's shack!" he wheezed.

"Whoa, are you guys okay? Do you need my help or something?"

Nassuman was now able to talk. "Yeah, we need you to give us an emo make-over!"

"Ebony and her dumbass friends captured my friend and are responsible for the roach infestation. They're hiding out in Hagrid's shack, and in order to remain unpenetrated, we need a good emo disguise."

Wendy's eyes sparkled like a Japanese anime. "OMG! You've come to the right place, boys! Come with me to my room!" She grabbed their wrists and dragged them up the steps of the Hufflepuff tower. They all entered the girls' dorm, and a bunch of super cute girls with naked boobies were everywhere! They were all undressing and naked and there were BOOBS!

**(A/N: In case you haven't noticed, I **_**really **_**like boobs ;-;)**

They were now inside her room, and all they saw was pink. The walls looked like Pinkie Pie had shit all over them after eating Taco Bell. Every. Single. Motherfucking. Thing. Was. Pink. The only things that weren't pink were the calendars of naked, muscular black men she had hung on the wall.

Weasel and Nassuman were skeptical. "I doubt someone like you would have what you need," Weasel muttered.

"Don't worry!" Wendy opened up her closet and revealed her clothes. They were all black and slightly torn to look rough and edgy. "Ebony and B'loody Mary snuck in a while ago and ruined my entire wardrobe! My shoes and clothes are black, my makeup was replaced, and none of it is cute anymore! Though, I guess it's good that I can put it to use."

She let each of the boys pick out an outfit and left the room to let them change. When she returned, they were decked out in emo drag.

Weasel was wearing a black V-neck muscle shirt with short sleeves, black skinny jeans, red Converse shoes, red spike earrings, red bracelets, and a red belt. Wendy put a black emo wig on his head, painted his nails black, used foundation on his face, put black eyeliner on him, put fake fangs in his mouth, and made him wear Zombie Cologne, which smelled like the emotions of a Mexican toilet.

Nassuman was wearing a black hoodie over his bare chest, black daisy duke shorts, black pantyhose, black stripper boots with high-heels, and ketchup on his wrists to look like he cut himself. Wendy came over to him and brushed his hair down to his face, put the hood over his head, covered his lips in black lipstick, put black earrings in one of his ears, put black eyeliner and eyeshadow over his eyes, painted his fingernails and toenails black, and some more makeup on his face to make it look like he had a sexy scar.

"We look disgusting!" Nassuman cried, "Thanks, Wendy!"

"C'mon, Nassuman, let's go get into that orgy and save the world!"

"Hold up, you two!" Wendy stood in the doorway and blocked them. Each of the duo's faces landed on a breast. "You're not going without me! I need to take revenge on them for ruining my clothes!" She began to undress and change into her disguise.

She was wearing a black sports bra, black skinny jeans with a torn leg, black high heels, fake long black nails, contacts that made her eyes look like Bill Cipher had possessed her, eyeliner, red lipstick, large red hoop earrings, a red hoop nose ring, and red hoop rings on both of her middle fingers. She dyed her red hair black and put them into ponytails, and she covered up her freckles with foundation.

"Okay, let's go kick some pale vampire ass!" Wendy chanted as she finished getting ready. The emo trio ran outside of the school castle and headed towards the shack. It was now night time. It would've been completely dark if the full moon weren't lighting their path with its glowy awesomeness of cheese.

"Are you sure you wanna come with us? This could be dangerous," Weasel asked Wendy.

"Of course! They need to be taught a lesson, and I wanna help you guys anyway I can," she replied enthusiastically, "Besides, how hard can it be?"

"Wendy, there's also a dangerous creature in there with them. A Troll is in that shack and is most likely responsible for all of this bullshit. We have more than a bunch of teenagers and cockroaches to worry about."

Wendy's eyes widened. "A Troll? What's it doing here?"

"Look," Weasel sighed, "all you need to know is that it came here to destroy you and everyone else here, so we came to get rid of it."

"So, you're not actually-"

Nassuman cut in. "No, we're not bug exterminators. We're Troll exterminators!"

"We can take care of the Troll, but we need you to fight Ebony and her gang of bitches with your magic." They were almost to the entrance of the shack. "After that, we'll kill the roaches for you because we're nice and be on our way."

Wendy whipped out her wand and began to rub it to stimulate the magic. "I'll do my best. When do I know when to strike?"

"We need to do it when they least expect it. All of us should try to take out three of them and then rush whoever's left. I'll give you guys this signal." Weasel faced the other two and proceeded to shove both of his middle fingers up each of his nostrils. They nodded as they approached the front door.

Weasel knocked on the door and stepped back, waiting for someone to answer. Someone finally got off their pale ass and opened the door. It was Vampire Potter. "Who the bloody fuck are you?" he asked viciously.

"Oh, we're just three more lost, depressed souls looking for a fun time," said Nassuman in a deep emo voice.

Vampire stood there and examined them for a while. "Well, you all look the part, but how do I know you're not just a bunch of posers?"

Draco Malfoy and the new kid stopped French kissing and looked up at them. "Who the fuck is at the fucking door?"

"I dunno, some losers that I've never seen before. They think they're cool enough to join our party."

Ebony walked over and pushed Vampire aside. "We don't just let _anyone_ in, you know."

B'loody Mary called out drunkenly from inside. "Let them in, I like 'em! Especially _that one_!" she said seductively, pointing at Nassuman and causing him to blush like a derp.

"Well," Ebony pondered, "I suppose we could have them pass the test." She opened the door wider and moved from the doorway, allowing the trio to enter. "Well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Get your asses in here! If you pass our test, you can become a part of us."

They all nervously entered the shack. Weasel was the first inside with Wendy and Nassuman following behind. The floor was littered with panties and sex toys covered in strange liquids. Weasel was already regretting everything he had ever done in life.

Weasel, Wendy, and Nassuman sat at the kitchen table and waited for Ebony and the new kid to get back with their little test. Draco, Vampire, and Mary stayed with them and smiled devilishly, making our heroes nervous as hell. It seemed like they were there for an eternity. Weasel was getting more uncomfortable with every passing minute. As he sighed and scratched his temple, Vampire leaned over him and put his hand on the surface of the table. "I'm glad you didn't shave before you came here tonight. I love feeling facial hair scratch against my bare chest."

Before this conversation went anywhere unwanted, Ebony and the new kid finally came back with bowls and spoons. She placed a bowl in front of each of them, and Weasel's stomach churned once he worked up the courage to glance at its contents.

"I-is that-" Weasel gulped.

"Yep," the new kid admitted, "Count Chocula cereal. _With blood_."

Ebony gave a cocky smirk. "We don't let pussies join the dark side. Eat this and we can get started."

Wendy hesitantly picked up her spoon and dipped it into the bowl, scooping up the breakfast. The blood was thick and sticky, making the cereal extra soggy. She furrowed her brow and quickly stuck it in her mouth and began eating.

Nassuman, on the other hand, immediately scarfed down his entire bowl, nearly choking on his spoon as a result. "_Now when do we have sex_?!"

"Uh, n-none for me, thanks!" Weasel excused, "I'm on a strict no-blood diet! I have to keep my girlish figure!"

"**Eat it**!" Draco shoved a large spoonful in Weasel's mouth and covered his mouth with his hand to keep him from spitting it out. Weasel's only choice was to swallow.

After his bowl was emptied, Weasel cradled his stomach and felt sick. Vomit was threatening to exit from his mouth, leaving a burning sensation in the back of his throat. "Well, we-we passed your test, Ebony. W-w-what happens," Weasel belched, "next, Ebony. Are we in your stupid club or not?" he slurred as spit dribbled down to his chin.

Ebony rubbed her hands together like a super evil supervillain and grew a very Grinch-like mean face. "You all did well passing your test. Now it's time to get this party started." She nodded at her three friends and went down to the basement with the new kid.

The six remaining goths chilled out in the living room and drank beer for a few minutes, with Draco, Mary, and Vampire on one couch and Wendy, Nassuman, and Weasel on the other. Weasel whispered to his partners, "It's a good thing they're intoxicated. That makes it easier to kill them. You guys ready to-"

He was interrupted, however, by Vampire Potter, who lifted his chin with his hand. "**You guys ready to get this fucking party started, bitches?!**" he hissed as he licked his lips hungrily.

"-_fuck_!" Weasel shot out of his seat and slowly backed away.

Draco pulled on Wendy's wrist and forced her to her feet. He grabbed her ass and got up close to her face. After he forcibly invaded her mouth, his face dived into her deep cleavage. Draco was wearing a white T-shirt with Marilyn Manson's face on it and a ripped collar, red skinny jeans, red fingerless gloves, black nail polish, red and black Converse shoes, eyeliner, and pentagram earrings.

B'loody Mary Smith was now lying on the table on her side and signaling for Nassuman to approach her. He willingly launched off the couch and ran over to her. Mary got off the table and pinned Nassuman onto the flat surface. She grinded against him as she bit his lip, her tongue requesting entrance to explore his mouth. Mary was wearing a black low-cut leather minidress that showed her ass, knee-high black boots, a black upside-down cross necklace, eyeliner, and black lipstick.

"Guys, no! Don't give in, please!" Weasel cried out to his friends, but Mary and Draco were completely in control of them. Their powers of sex were too powerful. Weasel was now in the kitchen, still being targeted by Vampire. He kept backing up until his back hit the counter. There was nowhere for him to run.

There was a visible tent in Vampire's pants. "**You're blood isn't the only thing I wanna suck, you wonderful bastard!**" He was getting _way _too close.

Weasel frantically looked around him for a way out. Luckily for him, he spotted a large kitchen knife right next to him on the counter. He grabbed the handle and stabbed it into Vampire's throat. He then sliced through his head, making his head look like two pancakes that just got rejected from an engineering school. Blood sprayed everywhere as his limp body fell to the floor. Then he died. "_**GO!**_" he shouted as he gave his friends the signal.

Mary and Draco were now distracted from their sexy-time and gaped at the body. This gave Wendy enough time to blow Draco's head into chunks with green lightning she shot from her wand. Then he died. Nassuman pulled out his Nassusword and stabbed Mary's heart. He twisted the blade around and around to further damage her insides. Then she died. The two emo fuckers fell to the floor as well, dead and emotionless. Though, to be fair, they weren't much different from when they were alive.

"Well, that didn't go entirely according to plan, but I'll take it!" gasped Weasel as he wiped blood from his face.

Wendy blushed profusely and shook her head. "I-I can't believe he _did_ that to me-!"

Weasel carefully trudged downstairs with shaky legs. "Come on," he whispered, "let's finish this." They all approached the lower level and were greeted with nearly complete darkness. The only light was on the opposite side of the basement. In the light's silhouette, three figures could be seen. Two were rolling around the floor and the other was caged up.

It was a heavily-built woman with long, pink hair and a fluffy pink dress. She had a bunch of pink stuff on. I'm not spending ten goddamned minutes talking about what she wears, alright? That's what I've been doing all spring break, and I'm _tired_! I've lost sleep because I've been trying to get this shit written and done! Writing is harder than it looks! I've spent fucking _hours _writing this! I've rewritten and proofread this _severa_l times. I've also had _terrible _writer's block. I've been trying to squeeze out decently fleshed out sentences like someone trying to shit after eating at Golden Corral's all-you-can-eat buffet! I stopped reading my favorite homoerotic fanfictions for this! It's not that I don't enjoy writing this story or anything -I do- but it's consumed so much of my time, and I just wanna finish this before I go back to my mother's house. I don't have Internet over there. Well, we're almost done with this chapter, so let's continue.

"Who's she?" Nassuman asked quietly because he was right next to Weasel and didn't need to fucking yell.

"I don't know. Mozilla said she was kidnapped by them. She doesn't look like she's here, though," Weasel stated obliviously because he was apparently too drunk to notice the obvious.

The woman looked sad until she looked up and noticed Weasel looking right at her. Her face lit up and she grinned, and she began furiously waving. When she stopped, she pointed to the other two figures on the floor.

It was Ebony and that strange, supposedly irrelevant new kid. They were both naked, and the new kid's boy thingy was inside Ebony's girl thingy, and they were **HAVING SEX! **It was certainly a disturbing scene. Ebony's body was alright, chiseled and thin. The new kid, on the other hand, was chubby and had a weird Muppet face, and he was just all around unpleasant to look at.

"O-_ooh, _Jared!" Ebony grunted under her breath, "you're so amaz- _fffuck! Amazing! _R-right there, right- _yesss! Oh, YES!"_

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Weasel cried out in agony as he shielded his face in order to protect his brain from any further damage. "Enough of this bullshit!"

The two lovebirds looked up from their shag. Ebony snapped her fingers, causing all of the lights to come on. "Why the fuck are you guys down here? Did you guys already finish up there? That was fast."

"Yeah, we finished!" Nassuman chuckled all heroically and shit, "We finished after we murdered everyone's faces! They're dead up there :3"

"_**WHAT?!**_" She was super pissed, brah. Fo rizzle. She pulled out her wand and zapped her breasts, and they turned into huge, angry beasts! "_**KILL THEM!**_"

The beasts launched at the gang, and they were drooling everywhere and being really gross. Wendy got out her wand and flicked her wrist. A big poof of yellow lightning shot out, and they exploded into hush puppies.

**(A/N: Get it? It's because they're like dogs, and they're silent now because they're dead. Hush puppies. . . Ah, fuck you.)**

Ebony was now powerless without her boobies. She couldn't do magic now, and everyone knows that you have to have a nice rack in order to perform magic. That's why Voldemort had to get breast implants. Nassuman took advantage of this opportunity and shot at her a bajillion times with his Nassugun. Then she died.

"Wow, that was a little _too _easy!" Weasel smirked, "Now let's go free that lady."

"But aren't you fellas forgetting something?" said a really nasally sounding voice, like Mike Myers getting a vasectomy. It was Jared, but not just any Jared.

"Oh, God _damn_ it!" Nassuman groaned, "It's Jared Milton!"

"Really, now? Did you come up with that on your own?"

Jared cackled all cockily. "Now, you may be wondering why I'm here. Allow me to explain-"

"Aw, bitches and chips." Weasel reached into Wendy's cleavage and yanked out a bag of popcorn.

"You see, not only is the Internet responsible for the Australians bombing the 9/11, but it's also filled with posers and haters. People began making fun of me online, calling me a Troll, as well as other names. So, I came here, a place filled with other people who understand me, who are now dead because of you. Thanks for that, by the way. You're great, you truly are. We made a promise to join together and eventually destroy the Internet and all preps who reside in it."

"Yeah, that's cool and all," muttered Nassuman, who was sitting in a comfy chair that he got from Wendy's cleavage, "but what does this have to do with cockroaches? They're treated like a big deal in this chapter, so I thought that they'd play a big part in the climax. Since I got here, I haven't seen a _single _cockroach. I've seen cocks, yes, but no roaches."

Jared had a sinister look on his face and laughed like the Happy Mask Salesman from Majora's Mask. "Oh, you'll see." His chubby body then began to change. It wasn't puberty, though, because that's gross. It was like a transformation-y change.

His body was growing jagged and brown in some places, and he began growing an exoskeleton. After he screamed in agony for a while, he fully transformed into a giant cockroach.

"Oh," said Weasel in a muffled voice as he shoved another handful of popcorn in his mouth, "_that's_ why cockroaches were important."

"Allow me to explain why I turned into a giant cockroach. You see, in order to successfully take down the Internet, the Troll Army needs lots of energy. It takes a lot of it to completely shut down a large, worldwide network, you know. We weren't getting it fast enough, so I turned into a giant cockroach and shit out millions of baby cockroaches to feed on the dead skin cells of the students at Hogwarts. The Trolls shall soon feast on my children and gain the energy they need to crash the Internet. The reason why I kidnapped your fairy friend is because I needed a fat, juicy morsel to consume. It takes a lot of energy to shit out babies 24/7. I had my friends use their magic in unison to force her into her fleshy human form, which is what she turns into when her magic is overpowered. I would have eaten her earlier, but Ebony and the others insisted on keeping her alive long enough to impregnate her with their love gravy. And now that you three are here, I plan on having a glorious four-course meal."

Nassuman and Weasel shot at the creature, but the bullets bounced right off. Weasel angrily threw his gun to the floor and ran over to the cage. "Mozilla, is that you?"

"Yes, it's me! I'm so sorry I got you in this mess, Weasel, I-"

"Don't apologize. If you really wanna make it up to me, you should give me a rocket launcher or something to kill this bastard with!"

"I can't! They stole all of my magic and used it for aphrodisiacs!" Pink tears welled up in her eyes. She sank to her knees and silently wept into the palms of her hands. "_I'm useless!_"

Weasel wanted to say something to comfort her, but he knew that there was no time. Jared had Wendy in his firm grip, and all she could was scream and flail her arms around. Nassuman was back into his armor with his sword in hand. He super-jumped like a ninja and latched himself onto Jared's arm. He tried slicing and stabbing through the exoskeleton, but his efforts remained fruitless.

Weasel climbed up the body of the monster, eventually reaching his head. He shot him a couple of times in the back of the head, but they bounced off instead, and one almost managed to blow his own brains out. The knife he had grabbed earlier couldn't cut through his exoskeleton, either.

Jared shook off Nassuman and Weasel, sending them falling towards the hard, concrete ground and, ultimately, to their deaths. However, Nassuman landed on his feet using his cat-like ninja reflexes and was able to catch Weasel in time before he was splattered. "What do we do, Weasel?!"

"I don't know! Just save Wendy, and I'll try and figure something out!" Nassuman nodded and super-jumped again. Weasel analyzed Jared's cockroach body and tried to look for a weak spot. Then, all of a sudden, he remembered something.

His testicles.

They were just dangling there, _asking_ to be cut off. '_Just one quick slice with my knife. It'll all be over,' _Weasel thought, tightly gripping the knife's handle. He sprinted towards his crotch with his eyes focused on his sack, until he was paralyzed by an ungodly shriek.

Jared began singing "Super Cool", but in a different, high-pitched cockroach language. The high frequencies caused severe pain to everyone's ears. Weasel dropped the knife as his entire body tensed. His immediate reaction was to cover his ears and curl up into a fetal position on the floor.

Once he was finished singing, everyone had collapsed, motionless and petrified. This included Wendy, who was still in Jared's grasp. He slowly brought her up to his mouth to eat her. Though she couldn't move, she still saw that she was going to be eaten. She tightly closed her eyes and awaited death.

"Oi, Richard! What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" said a booming voice from behind.

Weasel took his hands away from his ears and looked up at the man. It was Hagrid in all of his hairy goodness. His beard was just as curly and well-conditioned as usual.

"Honestly, I leave for a week, and I find corpses of students in my house and you eating visitors? Naughty, naughty!" Hagrid wagged his finger.

"_H. . . Hagrid_," Weasel spat out, still recovering from Jared's brain-raping song.

Upon the sight of Hagrid, Jared began screeching again, but it seemed to have no effect on him.

"Don't you talk back to me! I said to watch the house while I was gone!"

Even though the pain was unbearable, Weasel desperately crawled towards Hagrid while gasping his name again.

Hagrid looked down at him. "Oh, well hello there."

"_P-please help_," Weasel pleaded as he slid the kitchen knife towards his feet, "_cut. . . off. . . Richard's. . . t-testicles_."

"Cut off his testicles? No, I can't do that. Me and Richard are best friends, we are."

"_He's_-" Weasel struggled to stand. "_Richard isn't a cockroach. He's a. . . Troll that. . . took advantage of you and tried to kill us . . . and his name is Jared_."

Hagrid picked up the knife and looked up at his pet. "Is this true?"

Jared shrugged. "Yes, I admit it. I'm not a real cockroach. I never loved you, either. All of those times we watched movies and drank beer together mean nothing to me. Your existence has been meaningless to me, as well. If you hadn't given me food and a roof over my head, I would've eaten you by now."

Hagrid now had a sad man face on, and it was sad. He looked down at the knife in his giant hands. He gripped the blade tightly and stomped towards his treacherous roach pet. "I know what I must do."

Hagrid was impervious to Jared's singing because of his giant genes and frequency-absorbing beard. He was able to walk up to the ballsack and slice through the scrotum quickly and easily. The sack fell to the ground, and a bunch of screaming ghosts spilled out of it. Jared's cockroach babies all caught on fire and left behind nothing but ashes.

"_Baiser mon pénis dur et sec sans les fromages simples!_" Jared screamed as his entire body melted into blood. Then he died.

With a heavy heart, and an even heavier ballsack, Hagrid went around and healed everyone with his magic wand. **(A/N: I meant his actual magic wand and not his dick) **Wendy, Mozilla, Weasel, and Nassuman were all healed and safe. He even got rid of all the emo junk and replaced it with their normal clothes.

Later, they were all outside Hagrid's shack cleaning up the mess in his front lawn. "I'm really sorry that we made such a mess, Hagrid," Wendy apologized. Her voice is made of honey.

"Don't worry about that, Miss. I enjoy freshening up the place every now and then. Besides, since you left those dead bodies in my house, I have meat for my stew!" Hagrid laughed so hard that it made his boobies shake. Weasel and his friends immediately went far away after this.

They were all standing at the school entrance, and they had a nice view of the sunrise. They didn't look at it, though, because no one gives a fuck about the sun.

Nassuman turned to look at Mozilla and asked, "Are you stuck in your human form now, or something?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I usually regain my magical abilities by rubbing against magic crystals in my home village, but there are none close by. You'll just have to deal with me being useless for a while, I suppose."

"Hey, now, don't say that!" Weasel said, grabbing her shoulders and giving her a reassuring smile, "You're not useless as a person. You're my-"

"Would this work?" Wendy suggested as she held up her wand, "Could I refill your magic if I cast a spell on you?"

"Well, I'm not sure. Try it, please."

Wendy pointed the wand at Mozilla and gracefully flicked her wrist. Pink powder magic came out and surrounded her in pink fog. When it dissipated, Mozilla was back to normal in her fairy form.

"Hellz yeah! It worked, bitches! I am BACK!" Mozilla flew around excitedly and shit out a pink sparkle puddle on Weasel's head.

Weasel grunted, "I liked you better when you were a human."

After Nassuman, Weasel, and Mozilla said their goodbyes to Wendy, they unclimbed the huge mountain and were back at normal ground level. Nassuman could spot a large mansion off in the distance, and they all decided that this would be their next destination.

"Dude, Wendy _totally_ let me cup her boob!"

**(A/N: I'm done! **_**I'm actually done with this chapter**_**! Holy crap! I've been working on this chapter for **_**2 months**_ **now! You already know why that is, if you read my little 'rant', so I won't go into extensive detail about it here. I'm just gonna say that I've had **_**huge**_ **Internet problems and haven't had the chance to write at **_**all**_**! I'm sorry for any inconvenience this could have caused. I know that my loyal, adoring fans were just **_**dying**_ **to see a new update, amirite? Anyways, I'd like to mention that things are gonna be different in upcoming chapters. I'd like to tone down the cussing a little and make it a bit less insane. A user suggested that I focus on better descriptions and character development, so I'll be doing that instead of, say, having the characters cut off the testicles of a giant singing cockroach. It'll still be weird as fuck, but not quite as drug-inspired as this chapter. Also, if you've enjoyed reading this fic so far, be sure to leave a review and let me know what you think! I accept all reviews, both positive and negative! Hell, I'll even accept death threats! Ooh, and also, I'm **_**super**_ **excited about chapter 5! Stay tuned!)**


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